In my last post, I gave you all the awesome news that my husband and I are expecting our fourth child in January 2009. To say this news has literally changed my life would be an understatement.
Back in January of this year, when the Lord finally got through to my heart that I needed to deal with my sin issues with food, I was raring to go. I was so pumped up, walking so closely to Him and His word, that it seemed daily I would see multiple evidences of His love, care and provision for my life. I loved Weight Watchers, never felt hungry, and had very few urges to binge. This honeymoon phase lasted until the first week I gained weight. You see, I thought that I had totally surrendered the results to the Lord, but I had to have a week where I gained to see that I was becoming complacent in my success. I had stopped focusing solely on the Lord, started taking some credit for myself, and started to really feel like "I've got this beat now!"
When this happened, I was humbled immediately. My emotions were very up and down- I was angry with myself for "failing", angry with the Lord for my gaining weight, relieved that it had finally happened- so I could deal with it, and disappointed. I promptly went into a two day binge- stopped measuring food, tracked less, didn't exercise. Then I really realized how much my good feelings about what were happening were tied up in the results at the scale. If a one pound gain could send me "off the wagon", what was my real motivation? To please God? Or to see the weight come off? Of course I wanted to be obedient to God- that's what started this whole process. The weight coming off was a bonus- as was the extra energy from exercising and all the other benefits. But the reality is, that even if I never lose another pound for the rest of my life, I am still supposed to eat healthily, exercise, and have a right relationship to food. Because it has been an idol in my life, I need to battle it every day, through God's power, to keep it in the proper place. I repented, and moved on.
That brings me to the now. Since I found out I am pregnant, I have been a little flummoxed to say the least. I have been unable to attend any meetings, can't even weigh in on the same scale, and in the past 3 weeks have been sick twice (sinus infection and stomach flu), so my attendance at the gym has been spotty at best. I have found myself unsure how to proceed. I am supposed to eat 12 extra points a day for the pregnancy, but have found that is WAY too much food. So instead of continuing to make the healthier choices, I have reverted to lots of carbs and fats, and decreased the fruits and veggies. In the back of my mind has been this little voice saying, "You are pregnant now- you know you need at least 2000 calories a day- that's what your doctor told you, and it's too hard to get that through veggies and fruit. No-one is seeing your weight, and even if they are and you gain- it's OK because your pregnant." WOW! My, how quickly we can fall! I have known for a week or more that I've been slipping, but really haven't felt much like dealing with it- it's gotten so complicated. But....but.... I'm still supposed to be obedient. So-
I praise the Lord for a new friend He has recently given me. Today I read her post and KNEW what was wrong. I have lost my first love. I have gotten away from the knowledge that my relationship to food is a sin if it's in the wrong proportion to my relationship to my Father in heaven. And I've used His blessing of a new baby as an excuse to do it. Well if that's not typical addict behavior, I don't know what is! Lord God, forgive me.
I tell you this not because I like airing my dirty laundry, but because I must admit it to get on with life. I hope someone out there who reads this will be encouraged in a similar struggle to cling to the Lord in times of change and avoid the mistakes I made. I know my Father makes no mistakes, and thank him for using my friend's timely words to speak to my sinning heart. I refuse to give up or give in and quit. I will focus my eyes upon Him to gain my daily strength and needs- the food will then take care of itself. I will keep going to the gym, even if I can hardly move from the pregnancy, because God told me to. I don't need man's approval to do it- only my Father in heaven. Would you please pray for me as I forge ahead in my journey?
I gotta go now. I've got some business to take care of with my Father. Praise the Lord!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Big news (or little news, however you want to look at it!)
So, the latest and greatest info around here is that the husband and I are expecting a new little one sometime in January 2009. This is the fourth blessing from the Lord for our family, and we are ecstatic. The reactions have been varied and interesting:
1.) Hubby was very excited (he is hoping for boy #2- not that he doesn't totally love his girls), then he said, "Make sure you have it before the end of 2008 so we can get the tax deduction." Nice. The guy has a masters degree and 43 patents, but 3 kids later still hasn't gotten that I can't exactly PLAN this!
2.) My friend Mary screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my eardrum- I'm still waiting for the buzzing to wear off.
3.) My sister and best friend Terri both laughed and cried. She has been unable to have her own children- so it is always bittersweet for her. How do you know someone truly loves you? When they are happy for you, even while hurting for themselves-- and they don't let their hurt cloud over your happiness. That's just one reason why she's the best in the whole universe!
4.) My sister Aimee screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my other eardrum- guess I should've applied myself more to learning sign language, as I'm not sure how long the buzzing will last.
5.) The 22 year old trainer guy at the gym said, "Dude, you can totally work out right up until you pop". I'm not kidding, that was his real response to my question about restrictions in my exercise routine. To which I then promptly flicked him in the middle of his forehead for being a dweeb! (I made that last part up, but I wanted to, I really did).
6.) My mother and many friends at church are just totally excited and happy for us.
7.) Weight Watchers has kicked me out! Seriously, they don't have a pregnancy program because of "liability issues". My leader was very apologetic, but I think it stinks that they would do that- I understand that people aren't supposed to "try" to lose weight while they're pregnant, and I'm not wanting to do anything to harm or endanger this baby, but it's a healthy way to eat- so why not continue? In fact, with some modifications, I intend to.
That brings me to the last and most important reaction of all- God's. He is the one who started me on this journey, and He knew exactly where I would be in it when I found out this news. He is not surprised or perplexed, and He will not leave me to falter now. "Being confident of this very thing that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ". Phil. 1:6. I will continue and be victorious through Him, using the gym and WW as a tool, but counting on Him for my strength.
In fact, He had already provided for me before I ever got to the meeting and knew I would need some other form of support and accountability. During the meeting time, there is opportunity for people who have reached significant goals to share a tip about their success. I had been somewhat hesitant to introduce the God portion of my weight loss, but I knew I couldn't keep quiet about it forever- and planned to use the time when I reached my 10% goal to testify to the Lord's deliverance for me from the bondage of this addiction. I wanted to be careful how I framed it- not because I'm ashamed, but for the very opposite reason- I wanted God to get the maximum glory for the success.
At last week's meeting, our leader reminded us that one of the group members was featured in the WW newsletter- and her story is titled "With A Prayer". Her testimony is on the WW national website, and in it, she tells the world how she came to a place of total surrender and trust in the Lord to deliver her from her food addiction- much like my own story. I read it this week, and was encouraged to share my faith in the meeting as well. I was waiting for my 10% goal to be reached, and praying for God to give me the words to say.
Here's where God comes in perfectly- as He always does. I met my 10% off goal at this week's meeting- the last one I will be attending until after this baby is born. I was able to share about how God has been delivering me from this bondage, and encourage others to think about God and their need for Him as well. Mind you, I was a little conflicted emotionally, being somewhat disappointed after having heard about not being able to return, but my heavenly Father already had His plan in place to encourage me. After the meeting ended, Jane came up to me and invited me to a weekly bible study she runs for people struggling with weight issues. Did you get the whole picture? The God who created the entire universe and orders it's steps every day, cared enough to already have a plan in place for me to continue in an even better fellowship than the one I was leaving! Not only did I get the reward of my 10% off key chain as a visual reminder of His deliverance, but the "hug" from Him that He already knew what my need would be, had provided a solution, and showed it to me so readily. You can call it coincidence if you like, but I know better!
That's the best reaction yet. Praise the Lord!
1.) Hubby was very excited (he is hoping for boy #2- not that he doesn't totally love his girls), then he said, "Make sure you have it before the end of 2008 so we can get the tax deduction." Nice. The guy has a masters degree and 43 patents, but 3 kids later still hasn't gotten that I can't exactly PLAN this!
2.) My friend Mary screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my eardrum- I'm still waiting for the buzzing to wear off.
3.) My sister and best friend Terri both laughed and cried. She has been unable to have her own children- so it is always bittersweet for her. How do you know someone truly loves you? When they are happy for you, even while hurting for themselves-- and they don't let their hurt cloud over your happiness. That's just one reason why she's the best in the whole universe!
4.) My sister Aimee screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my other eardrum- guess I should've applied myself more to learning sign language, as I'm not sure how long the buzzing will last.
5.) The 22 year old trainer guy at the gym said, "Dude, you can totally work out right up until you pop". I'm not kidding, that was his real response to my question about restrictions in my exercise routine. To which I then promptly flicked him in the middle of his forehead for being a dweeb! (I made that last part up, but I wanted to, I really did).
6.) My mother and many friends at church are just totally excited and happy for us.
7.) Weight Watchers has kicked me out! Seriously, they don't have a pregnancy program because of "liability issues". My leader was very apologetic, but I think it stinks that they would do that- I understand that people aren't supposed to "try" to lose weight while they're pregnant, and I'm not wanting to do anything to harm or endanger this baby, but it's a healthy way to eat- so why not continue? In fact, with some modifications, I intend to.
That brings me to the last and most important reaction of all- God's. He is the one who started me on this journey, and He knew exactly where I would be in it when I found out this news. He is not surprised or perplexed, and He will not leave me to falter now. "Being confident of this very thing that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ". Phil. 1:6. I will continue and be victorious through Him, using the gym and WW as a tool, but counting on Him for my strength.
In fact, He had already provided for me before I ever got to the meeting and knew I would need some other form of support and accountability. During the meeting time, there is opportunity for people who have reached significant goals to share a tip about their success. I had been somewhat hesitant to introduce the God portion of my weight loss, but I knew I couldn't keep quiet about it forever- and planned to use the time when I reached my 10% goal to testify to the Lord's deliverance for me from the bondage of this addiction. I wanted to be careful how I framed it- not because I'm ashamed, but for the very opposite reason- I wanted God to get the maximum glory for the success.
At last week's meeting, our leader reminded us that one of the group members was featured in the WW newsletter- and her story is titled "With A Prayer". Her testimony is on the WW national website, and in it, she tells the world how she came to a place of total surrender and trust in the Lord to deliver her from her food addiction- much like my own story. I read it this week, and was encouraged to share my faith in the meeting as well. I was waiting for my 10% goal to be reached, and praying for God to give me the words to say.
Here's where God comes in perfectly- as He always does. I met my 10% off goal at this week's meeting- the last one I will be attending until after this baby is born. I was able to share about how God has been delivering me from this bondage, and encourage others to think about God and their need for Him as well. Mind you, I was a little conflicted emotionally, being somewhat disappointed after having heard about not being able to return, but my heavenly Father already had His plan in place to encourage me. After the meeting ended, Jane came up to me and invited me to a weekly bible study she runs for people struggling with weight issues. Did you get the whole picture? The God who created the entire universe and orders it's steps every day, cared enough to already have a plan in place for me to continue in an even better fellowship than the one I was leaving! Not only did I get the reward of my 10% off key chain as a visual reminder of His deliverance, but the "hug" from Him that He already knew what my need would be, had provided a solution, and showed it to me so readily. You can call it coincidence if you like, but I know better!
That's the best reaction yet. Praise the Lord!
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